Valentine’s Day Fuss

I’ve been looking to write about fighting in marriage for awhile.  Since Valentine’s Day is this weekend – couldn’t think of a better time (my wife is now laughing or frowning). I think this subject is very serious.  Growing up I observed many different types of martial aggression, much of what was hostile. So before getting married, and since, I’ve tried to relearn what is constructive in an argument.

Let me give a disclaimer: My wife doesn’t fight; well, she doesn’t fight back.  She gives a little attitude when she feels it’s necessary (or not), but rarely doesn’t she actually argue. Nevertheless, it’s essential your argument ends well whether words or silence are exchanged. How you end an argument can determine the enduring success or failure of your relationship.

Control.  If anything I’ve learned it’s important to keep your cool and maintain control.  It’s never appropriate to be childish, abusive or immature in an argument.  You have every right to your feelings and communicating your feelings, but only when it’s helpful, not smug, and taking yourself lightly.

I’ve always told Summer that we are going to fight or disagree about something, it’s only natural.  But it’s how you fight and the desire outcome you have for the fight.  Do you want to resolve the issue or get even, revenge, or power?  If you have to win then that means your spouse has to lose. Everyone loses when we have those attitudes. This is no competition, it’s a partnership.  God said two became one.

Here are some rules to fight by.  I think every book, website, and marriage guru suggests some form of these so they all get credit.  But here they are again.

Keep it private.  Fighting in front of your children, friends, or strangers is embarrassing. It scars children emotionally for life and because you couldn’t control yourself until you could speak privately.

Stay on Issue.  Don’t use this issue to air out or bring up old grudges.  Practice using boundaries around subject matters so that a fight doesn’t become a free-for-all.

Be Real.  Deal with the issue not the symptoms.  And be honest and truthful with each other – nothing false. Communicate what is really bothering you or you will end the fight feeling more frustrated.

No Name Calling. Stay focused on the issue, not on attacking them personally so you feel more powerful or proven.  Don’t let the fight degenerate into name-calling.

Remain Clear.  What do you want when the disagreement is over?  If you don’t know what you want when it’s all said and done — you won’t know if you achieved it.

Let Your Partner Save Face.  How you end is crucial.  Recognize when they are ready for the argument to be over – maybe in the form of an apology or a joke – and give them a way out of the disagreement that doesn’t require them to feel the loose. Also accept that some issues will not be resolved now and your partner has the right to space to think and reflect.

Keep Balanced.  Remember that not every disagreement means putting on the gloves.  Not every issue demands intensity.  You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be.  Your partner can sense your emotions without you screaming or shouting.

Over By Bedtime.  My wife and I have a unsaid rule that arguments should be temporary, so we don’t let them go beyond bedtime.  Sometimes we want to sleep on it (she is a processor), but we don’t allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch beyond going to sleep.  Somewhere I remember the saying “don’t let the sun go down on your anger” (Eph 4.25-27; Psalm 4.4).

I wish I could say I’m perfect in all things martial discord.  I don’t claim to be a good husband, but I’m learning to be better.  I love my spouse as I’m sure you love your own (or will someday) and believe the best fight is the one that ends with both satisfied and eclipsed by love.

Happy Valentine’s Day!